No. 11: Good Days & Bad Days
To think I have something in common with royalty. To be clear, I am not a royal watcher. However, the news is filled with King Charles and Princess Kate and their battles with the Big C. Kate and I had the diagnosis at the same time. While hers—and I agree as a PR person she has her right to keep it to family—is kept under wraps, she is battling with chemo. I chose not to keep mine a secret: Breast Cancer. Also, I have good news—No radiation. No Chemo. No Pills for five years. I pray that the princess and every survivor have good news soon.
That is not to say I did not have bad days. The mind is tricky and loves to play games. For instance, I do a body check:
Is my urine clear? If not, does that mean the cancer has spread and now I have Kidney Cancer?
Is that a new bruise on my leg? Where did it come from? Google says it's a sign of leukemia? NOTE: Every doctor I have had in the past 6 months says do not go to Google with medical questions—a GREAT TIP—someday I will follow it.
I stubbed my toe and it is bleeding profusely. What does that mean?
I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I keep my eyes cast down in the bathroom mirror and up in the shower so I do not have to look. Then other days I think, hey, this is the new norm... move on. I can hear my mother, "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps, stop feeling sorry for yourself."
But then I put on a shirt that I used to love and it looks—well—I truly cannot describe it except to say I take it off and throw it into the back of the closet. I look for a front-button very loose fitting shirt—a shirt that flows, in essence—a tent. I have come to realize that I am built like a triangle—not the pear shape I used to have.
Body image. It does play a huge role in a woman's life. As someone who always was overweight—even after hundreds of diets and losing the same 10 pounds over and over, my body image was never good.
I take that back. In 2001, I did Weight Watchers group meetings and lost 50 pounds—I looked and felt great. On the day I lost the 50 during the weigh-in, the leader's phone rang and she said, "Our country is under attack so I am ending the meeting. God bless us, and hopefully we will be back next week." I went home and sat on the gazebo on a clear blue sky day in September. I decided that if someone wanted to kill us—me—that badly, who am I to deprive myself of brownies, mac and cheese, and wine? I gained half of it back.
I look at this old body. There is a 5-month-old scar on the left leg where a new hip was added. And now, a healing incision that seems to go across my chest that is now concave with a breastbone that I never knew I had before. I show very little to my husband—or anyone. In fact, after years of never locking the bathroom door because the kids always seemed to need me, I lock it now. Why? Because one day after this mind-altering surgery, my husband came in and asked a question and then later, the Baby came in to ask if I wanted to go to breakfast. I tried to grab for a towel, but it was too late.
At the post-op visit, the doctor needed to remove the sterile strips and wanted to see how I was healing. With the gown opened to the front, I kept my arms straight and angled so that the Baby and my husband could not see what the Doctor saw. That did not work too well. They wanted to make sure I was healing correctly too.
A few years ago, and I am not sure of the details, a religious sect made plans to pack a suitcase, go to the mountaintop, and wait for a ship or something to take them away to a new life. When I heard that, I laughed. Why? I would not pack my same clothes. I would go purchase a new wardrobe and exchange my size 16 clothes for Size 2. If I am going to get a new body—let's make it Great!
So there are days that are bad. I am sad that my family has to go through worry. I am sad that they have to see my body in this shape. I am sad that they have to care for me and maybe change schedules. I am sad I am a burden.
But then, I take stock of all that is good. This family has come together and been even closer watching out for me—and my husband. We have great friends who also have shared their own gifts from cooking, cleaning, and listening. So yeah, there are bad days. But like the Princess, the good days are the ones to realize the positive people and works in your life and move forward doing the things that make you happy.